My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
