If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
