guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
