"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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