take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
