I cannot find my penis.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
