Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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