The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
