I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
