I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
