She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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