I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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