just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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