OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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