the new term for farting is butt boxing.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
