I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
