when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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