There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
