she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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