Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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