I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
