Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
