I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
