Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
