I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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