I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
