It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Be still, my beating vagina.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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