You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
