I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
