i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
It's never too late to be topless.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
