I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
