i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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