don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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