it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
