can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
