I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
