the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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