Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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