Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
