You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
