we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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