last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
