So drunk its hurt
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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