1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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