I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
