bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
