She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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