evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
