I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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