so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
