I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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