Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
