I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Randomize
