We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
