I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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